What is the path to becoming a toxic person? How does it build, exactly? I’m thinking it’s different for everyone, but with a few common strands intertwined. What does it look like? I know the picture. It’s an little mischievously havoc-wreaking disaster of a creature. I’ve discovered that I am the elf on the shelf this holiday season. I just need the snazzy outfit. The devilish red suit with, like an obnoxious candy cane, the pointy toes, the impish grin. So untrustworthy, so dreadful.
I’m going through a divorce. My heart hurts, my soul aches, and all that woeful stuff is piled on top of me like so many layered confections typical of this time of year, but without the tasty delight. How do these poor, divorced souls with children survive this? The image of a train T-barring a smart car comes to mind. On the positive side, it’s kind of awesome that being in such a heightened state of stress triggers my fight or flight and causes me to lose weight.
I think there’s some hope here, though. After all, I survived basic training. I made it out of the military alive. I learned so much, experienced even more. My mind became more complex and able to conduct a symphony of stress. It tests you, like nothing else can, except for parenthood.
For me, living with my future ex-husband while in the throes of our divorce is driving me towards a path of becoming a very toxic and damaging person. I recognize this and want to put out this fuse. Fire. It makes me feel like my brain is on fire. I mean, physically feverish. If that’s not a wake up call I don’t know what is.
The symptoms of this life experience are like the web of shattered glass in the frame that my son broke at my mother’s house recently. Somehow, the pieces are still holding each other in place, miraculously intact, after this object’s devastating event.
Let’s make a plan, a mission- Operation Divorce Medicine
Here’s the list, my ideas on how to fix it:
- Say something nice to him on a daily basis without kissing up.
- Show him how much I love our son.
- Breathing excises, maybe meditation.
- What the Sam Hell is going on here? Oh, wait…
- Do a chocolate eating tour with a friend this week (Portland’s finest!).
- Try not to stress eat.
- Make yourself wonderful food. Take care of your soul and all your senses.
- Write in your blog journal every. single. day… if you have to.